heredago's blog

February 14, 2013

Steak & Blow Job Day

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — heredago @ 15:38

Steak & Blow Job Day

 http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Steak_%26_Blow_Job_Day

“If only there were more Steaks and Blow Jobs in the world, we would have no War …”

~ Ghandhi on Steak & Blow Job day, before he turned vegetarian.

“’Because sucking dick brings peace on earth and joy …”

~ Mr. Hankey and Kenny, “The Most Offensive Song Ever”

“I treat Mrs Dildo Duffy to a hefty blozza every year thanks to Steak & Blowjob Day. As for the steak, I give that to my sex slave Germaine Greer…”

~ Carol-Ann Duffy on Steak & Blow Job day before she was executed for being female.

Steak & Blow Job Day or Steak & BJ Day is a holiday celebrated one month after Valentine’s Day on March 14. The day was popularised by Tom Birdsey a radio show host on FNX radio in 2002 after Jalapeno Poppers & Rim Job Day proved unpopular.[1].

Some say it was invented by the Romans in 269AD, and institutionalized through St Valentine’s cousin, Claudius Fellatio. Others suggest that when World War II ended in 1945, president Harry S. Truman had the FBI covertly spread the word to act as a “welcome home” for the troops. All we really know, is that it’s pretty damn awesome.[2]

Steak and Blow Job Day was founded because Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday for women and vegetarians; so it is only fair that there is an equivalent holiday for normal people[3]. The holiday has proven to be even bigger than Christmas with restaurants such as Hooters Restaurant reporting that customers were pleased to offer “a big tip” on such days. In 2007George W. Bush declared a State of Emergency when a band of vegan terrorists started murdering cows in protest, calling the campaign “An Inconvenient Truth“. Due to the severe steak shortage, many people resorted to eating tofu steaks and were later found to have Aids.

 

Contents

 [show

editMethodology

The idea is simple; there are no cards, flowers, candy or other overpriced fluff. Partners need only to bestow their man with a steak and a blow job. But not necessarily in that order. And not necessarily only once that day. And it doesn’t even have to be them who does it. [4]

 

HBS

Figure 1.1: Relative awesomeness of fellatio targets as determined by the Hawking Boner Scale (HBS).

According to Stephen Hawkingfellatio is awesome and makes you smarter. Contrary to popular belief, it feels really good if you eat jalapenos before performing fellatio. Refer to the figure of the male anatomy. Furthermore, certain fruit bats are the only species known to man which enact fellatio during coitus[5].

Hooters Application Process

Figure 1.2: Steak sizing chart.

The steak itself should be made to taste, but rare is usually recommended by chefs. Steak may be served for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. But not after 10pm as you’ll get a tummy ache.

Steak selection should always be completed in advance of the day, in order to avoid disappointment for the receiver[6]. Just like the ladies have a preference of flowers on Valentine’s day, men can oft be upset should the wrong meat be served on March 14th. 

editReception

Steak & Blow Job Day has proven to be very popular across all demographics. The Pope was quoted as saying that this day was like “The Second Coming“. Paris Hilton the leader of feminist group PETA is a big fan of the day, saying it gives her a chance to “give back to the community”. Another supporter of this day is Eddie Munster, who insists on his steak being rare, in his own words “every day is man day in Eddies world with the best being Steak & Blow Job Day”.

In the gay community, Steak and Blowjob day has been seen as a religious festival. Many famous homosexual celebs have spoken out about the holiday including the likes of Sir Elton John and Bono. In a press conference in 2007, Vin Diesel claimed “today is a blessing, meat in every which way”.

editControversy

editSteak & Blow Job Community Divided

There’s hot, stiff debate in the Steak & Blow Job community as to which is the better aspect of the holiday[7]. Some members claim that the original official date is March 14 while others claim to have “come up” with the idea themselves. This has resulted in raw tension within the community, with some people suggesting that both days should be observed so there can be a “happy ending” for everyone.

Hallmark have been rumored to be cashing in on the day, with prototype cards being spotted in the wild, much like a coveted new iphone release. Thankfully, a variety of sites have dedicated themselves to the free distribution of such materials to keep the love flowing freely[8].

editWomen Bite Back

As usual, women have to have the last word in. There is now talk of a Cake and Cunnilingus Day on April 14.

editSee also

 

editReferences

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